I've struggled with mental health since I was really little. The problem was, something wasn't "right," but I didn't know what. We went to see a psychiatrist when I was 14, and they said I was depressed. I didn't want to take medication for something I didn't feel was accurate and never went back. The whole experience freaked me out so much I didn't step foot into another Doctor's office for anything mental health related until three weeks ago (this was dumb, I shouldn't have waited so long).
What implored me to give this another try was getting to work an hour early, not uncommon, and leaving a half hour after my team, yet realizing besides my meetings I had done nothing else. In my job, there's no sweeping things under the rug. Your productivity is quantifiable and objective. I freaked out. I called my parents, talking a mile a minute, going on about how mad at myself I was, how overwhelmed I had felt all day yet had zero to show for it. After almost completely losing it, I made an appointment for the next week to seek professional help.
As I said, I should not have waited so long. The signs were there, and the more research I did about my constant state of brain fog (or pin-ball machine brain as I describe it), the more sure I was. My memory is best described as having complete black walls throughout it, making it impossible for me to recall certain things, making me feel disconnected from my own self. Normal actions such as driving a car cause me immense anxiety because of how unsafe I feel on the road - so many distractions all at once. Forgetting to pay bills despite setting calendar reminders, alarms, writing it down in my planner, etc. (I now have everything on autopay...). Walking into a grocery store unsure of what to get, picking up some items, getting overwhelmed, putting them back and leaving, only to go into another store, and another, doing the same exact thing. All the time feeling like it was my brain that was not functioning properly, a terrifying admission for someone who is supposed to be 'smart.'
I never struggled in school, except math. I used to (and still do) see math problems and draw a complete blank, going back to the "black walls" I see in my head, unable to make rational sense. I also never read an entire book for any class inclusive of grad school. I became an expert at skimming and feel I'm intuitive enough to grasp concepts and pick out the unique argument of what I was meant to be reading in depth.
Every day was full of mirco battles in my own head- between not being able to focus on anything, wanting so badly to be able to execute the ideas I had, hating myself for being stupid, lazy, apathetic, spacey, etc. and angry at myself for not having the wherewithal to actually do something about it.
I went to the doctor with three pages of 'symptoms' like the ones I mentioned above. I was so nervous, starting our session with "I feel like a failure for even being here," and told him about the day I freaked out that made me finally seek help. From there I said, "I don't even know how to do this so here is what's bothering me", and rambled off my three pages. When I finally stopped talking he just stared at me and said "you have ADHD, and I'm surprised no one has ever diagnosed you before."
Hearing those words from a professional dignified me in a way I can't fully express. As I said before, I've suspected this was the case, considering my dad and both of my brothers have ADHD, but having it verbalized was so immensely relieving to me. All along I knew there was something not right in my brain, and now I know that my brain seeks immediate reward and loses interest when not instantly gratified. I now know that my brain gets overwhelmed by too much stimulation, causing me to 'retreat' and withdraw, ignoring people or things I love for several days at a time.
We talked for a while more and discussed options for dealing with this disorder. I go back next month to review and determine what was successful and what we need to change. I've been taking detailed notes and am looking forward to my next appointment, feeling proud and excited about some of the progress I've made in the last few weeks.
I shouldn't have waited so long. Part of the delay was I was terrified, part of it was my actual disorder which made a simple tasks such as 'making an appointment' seem like an obstacle too large to deal with. As easy as it would be to lament the fact that I have struggled internally for so many years, I think it's important to focus on the positive outcome and the road ahead, which leads to better understanding of myself, and more intentional navigation of the years ahead.