Like many, I struggled for years to find a workout that I enjoyed. Trying to figure out what would give me the most calories burned for time spent, I tinkered with various machines at the gym (treadmill on highest incline at a very brisk walk was one of the most 'effective' for that purpose), but never wanted to keep up with any of it.
Three years ago, I started going to barre classes. After my first class, I remember not knowing if I'd be able to stand up with out collapsing as my legs had been shaking so hard during thighs. I wasn't sure if I could ever go back, and that's one of the main reasons I did. I felt the burn for DAYS after a single class, which made me feel like something was changing, physically.
Through my love of barre, over the past few years, I still struggled with my relationship to fitness. Always, always, the end goal was 'be skinny.' I'd go through weeks of 'binging' on workouts, doing 7, 8, even 9 classes for weeks, then getting mega exhausted and not going back for weeks. If only I could work out twice a day, everyday, I thought, I'd reach a certain point of physicality that I was happy with.
It doesn't work like that.
It wasn't until late 2017 I realized this, after having to take a break from exercising due to some health concerns and medical changes. Despite not exercising for almost two months (I walk 3 miles everyday for my commute, so that doesn't count), I didn't see any physical changes. After that two month break, I tried to get back into my workout routine, but would just go here and there, maybe once a week.
This was during the same time I got some really bad news about a family member, which, combined with a few other things, caused me to feel extremely overwhelmed with sadness. There was no light, at all. I cried three times one weekend, and for someone who hadn't actually cried since Oct. 2016, that was a bad sign. It was a scary place to be and it lasted for weeks.
The point of sharing this much detail is to drive home my argument in this post that by retraining yourself to think of exercise as a part of your wellness routine, or a form of treatment for your mental health, you will yield the most benefits.
For me, especially during the several weeks of feeling very dark, making the choice to go sweat it out when all I wanted to do was stay in bed made a massive difference. The first few classes back were still hard- such as when I had tears in my eyes throughout an entire HIIT class and still left feeling awful. However, just like drinking one green juice won't lower your cholesterol, one workout won't override all of your sadness. So you make the conscious choice to stick with it.
I kept going back, and doing the most intensive classes my barre studio offers, like kickboxing and HIIT. Slowly I started to feel better. I got a grip, I could think more clearly. I felt like singing and joking again. I'm signing up for more classes for fun (seriously), and not because I'm trying to force my body to look a certain way.
It wasn't until I was forced to step back from my fitness routine that I saw how objectively problematic my relationship with exercise had been in the past. Along with taking my supplements, eating a vegan diet and journaling, regular, high intensity exercise is now something I view as self-care, vital to my overall wellness.
And now, it doesn't matter how many calories I burn (couldn't tell you, don't care), or how many times a week I go (I find that 3-4 is both manageable and really helpful), because I've completely rethought my definition of what it means to be 'fit.'